LES PROPHETIES

I am no Nostradamus, but here I have made a sincere attempt with a closed mind enveloped by an exaggerated sense of sarcasm to predict the fortunes (read misfortunes) of Team India and the BCCI in the year to follow.


Quarantine II -- FEBRUARY/MARCH

• Sourav Ganguly injected back into the ODI team after the CPI (M) threaten to withdraw support from the central government.
• Sreesanth is a hit with the Australian media. After displaying his dancing skills to Andre Nel and tabla skills to Mathew Hayden in the past he displays his vocal talent Andrew Symonds.
• Yuvraj Singh backs out of the tour citing personal reasons.
• After Harbhajan Singh, Sreesanth gets into trouble for racially abusing Symonds during the ODI series.
• BCCI threaten to boycott the tour.
• Tour continues after apologies from Cricket Australia. Further, BCCI file a writ against Symonds for public defamation (of Sreesanth) in the Supreme Court of India and team India is given a bye to the tri-nation finals.
• The ICC all this while remains a mute spectator not being able to go against the richest cricket board in the world.
• India lose the finals as Sachin Tendulkar fails again in the finals but wins the man of the series award by virtue of the three 90+ scores he made in the leagues.
• India receive heroes welcome after a successful tour of Australia where they won just one test and a couple of one-dayers.

Quarantine III -- APRIL/MAY

• Leaked Email from M S Dhoni to the BCCI President reveals that Yuvraj Singh backed out of the tour to go on a holiday with Deepika Padukone to NewZealand.
• Yuvraj Singh goes public with his version of the story saying that he did go to NewZealand but argues that it was mere coincidence that Deepika Padukone had her shooting there. The real reason according to him was that he was being used by the NewZealand Cricket Board as a mediator to convince Shane Bond to leave ICL. He further adds that Dhoni was a loser and created this issue because he was jealous of his relationship with Deepika Padukone.
• NewZealand Cricket Board deny any such arrangements though Shane Bond makes a contradictory statement that Yuvraj Singh had in fact met him in March.
• In between all this, Gary Kirsten rejects the contract by the BCCI saying Indian summers are too hot and not conducive to his methodology of coaching.
• BCCI go in search of a new coach.

Quarantine IV – JUNE/JULY

• In a bid to take advantage of the publicity generated and increase TRP for his show, Shahrukh invites the trio, (Deepika, Dhoni and Yuvraj) to KBC. The trio win 50 lacs inspite of the acrimony between Yuvraj and Dhoni.
• Rumour mills go abuzz with the news that Yuvraj and Deepika get engaged in a private ceremony. Both vehemently deny the allegations stating that they are just “good friends”
• Irfan Pathan spotted cheering for Sania Mirza at the Wimbledon.
• BCCI announces the names of applicants for the post of coach. The list includes former cricketers Wasim Akram and Steve Waugh as well as leading personalities like management guru Laloo Prasad Yadav, technocrat Prof MS Shanmugham (HOD, Mech – IITM), Vijay Mallya and cricket expert Sumedh Yateen Samant.
• The Pakistani Government brand Wasim Akram a traitor for applying for the post of coach of the Indian Cricket team. The Al-Qaeda release fatwa against Wasim Akram for savoring relationship with an US friendly nation.
• MS Dhoni attempts suicide. Admitted to ICU. Suicide note reveals it was due to the stress of excessive cricket. BCCI revises cricket calendar to reduce work load. Conspiracy theorists argue that it was because of “love lost”.
• IPL postponed to 2009 due to crammed cricket calendar.
• With Dhoni hospitalized and Yuvraj finding disfavour with the selection committee for his wayward ways, Irfan Pathan is appointed captain of the Indian ODI team for the upcoming series against Australia.

Quarantine V – AUGUST/SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER

• Team for Australia series declared. No surprises but for Dhoni and Yuvraj’s absence. Team to play without a coach.
• India thrash Australia 3-0 on minefields of pitches doctored to suit Indian spinners. Anil Kumble and Harbhajan take 21 wickets each in the series while Tendulkar takes 12 bowling his part time leg spinners. The man of the series award goes to Australian left arm spinner Michael Clarke for taking 28 wickets in the series.
• Harbhajan dismisses Ricky Ponting in 5 of the 6 innings.
• Dravid and Ganguly announce retirement. Tendulkar says he still feels young and is ready to play as a third spinner after experts criticize his poor batting form.
• CPI (M) and Trinamool Congress demand Bharat Ratna for Ganguly.

Quarantine V – NOVEMBER/DECEMBER

• Mahesh Bhatt’s movie “HAWAS – the only passion” starring Shoaib Akhtar releases to packed theatres through out India on Diwali. It firmly establishes Shoaib Akhtar as the new “SERIAL F***ER” of Bollywood. The movie bombs despite the superb opening; but it opens new avenues for Pakistani cricketers. Reports reveal that Inzamam Ul Haq has been offered the role of Kajol’s father in KJo’s next while Misbah is set to play a bulbing sycophant in a RGV movie.
• BCCI appoint Ganguly and Dravid as the ODI and Test batting coaches respectively. They join the team of Robin Singh (fielding) and Venkatesh Prasad (bowling) and manager Lalchand Rajput.

• India thrash South Africa on slow dirty dust bowls engineered to suit the Indian spin trio of Kumble, Harbhajan and Tendulkar who share four fifths of all the wickets among them.

P.S :: Additional predictions are welcome.

Brett "Karan" Lee making waves on the Indian scene


Mumbai,26 September,2013 : He is every girl's prince charming. He is tall, he is handsome, he is cool, he can dance, he can sing, he can make love, he can cry, he can make people laugh and most importantly he is single(yet again). Yes, we are talking about Bollywood's latest hearthrob, the new lover boy in the land of Kamasutra and plagiarized movies(and of remakes and sequels), Brett Lee.

11 movies since his debut in "Tere bin"(2009) and 9 of them have sent the cash registers ringing. "Tere Bin" may not have been a success but our man certainly made a point. His next 10 films set the box office ablaze (excluding perhaps the dud "Agosh"(2012) where he decided to go for an image makeover and try his hand at a action movie). He is Yash Chopra banners latest torch bearer. The fairy tale journey began in 2008 when he rejected a 2yr extension contract with the ACB to sign for Yash Chopra's banners "Tere Bin" directed by Uday Chopra. He had by then already made his presence felt in India, having been involved with a large number of commercial endorsement and having even sung in an Asha Bhosle album. Skeptics loathed his decision and wrote passionately about him putting up green notes ahead of patriotism. They were right no doubt. Brett now makes thrice from movies, concerts and commercial endorsements than he did during his cricketing days. Initially pessimists rubbed him off arguing that an English speaking guy would never make it big in the tinsel town. But one year of special coaching classes in hindi with Atal Bihari Vajpayee and hair dyed black did the trick. He is now more hindi than the Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi himslef. Having spent 5 years in India he has now even applied for an Indian citizenship; he said at a recent movie launch that he is more Indian by heart than he is Australian by birth. "Tere Bin" was followed by "Kabhi Kabhi hi Kuch Hota Hai"( a sequel to Kuch Kuch Hota Hai(1998) ), which firmly established him as the new lover boy displacing ShahRukh Khan with elan. The next five years saw "Karan" (Karan is to Brett what Rahul was to ShahRukh, Vijay to Amitabh and Rohit to Hrithik) consolidate his position as the Prince Charming of Bollywood with blockbuster hits like "You are My Sonia"(2010), "Ey Mere Humsafar"(2011) [a remake of "Qayamat se Qayamat tak"], "Kitni Baatein" (2011), "Kuchh tum Kahon.."(2011) and "Doorie"(2012) ["INSPIRED" by the Hollywood romance "Sleepless in Seattle(1993)"]. His latest movie, "Kassam Se..." is running to packed houses and advance bookings into the second week have already been made into his next movie "Kambakht Ishq" which is scheduled to be released during the festive season of Diwali.

9 hits out of 11, a brand value close to 220 crores, torch bearer of the Karan Johar and Yash Chopra banners, through with 2 marriages and infinitely many alleged linkups (and another infinite kept under the wraps) he certainly is the biggest star of the industry today. And his most recent break up with Deepika Padukone, after dating each other for the past 1 year has a come as a breath of cool breeze to his lacs of female fan following. He may be the most loved character on screen but he has been deeply embroiled in controversy in real life. First there was hia famous breakup with his first wife, Elizabeth even before the release of his first movie, his war of words with Shahid Kapoor over Kareena Kapoor who paired opposite him in "Ey Mere Humsafar"(2011) [which reminds me of the Vivek Oberoi-Salman Khan episode that took place almost a decade back], then his alleged linkups with the underworld and now his latest attempts to buy "Mannat" which has further mangled his equations with ShahRukh Khan. Both have not been on talking terms since ShahRukh was replaced by him in a Karan Johar movie two years back and Brett chose not to invite Shahrukh to his second marriage with Ekta Kapoor in December,2011.(Which as history would have it ended up in a divorce within 4 months.)

With Sanjay Dutt having been sentenced to 11 yrs of rigorous imprisonment in the TADA case(set to be released in 2019) rumours are abuzz that Vindhu Vinod Chopra is planning to tee off the "Munna Bhai" series again with Brett in the lead this time around. This might come as a welcome change for Brett himself for he has been regularly bashed up by the critics for playing the same candy floss role in all his movies uptill now and not utilising his vast acting repertoire to the fullest extent. He may be the critic's latest whipping boy, but as he said in a recent interview "I act for the masses and not for the men who pretend to know too much". And with Shahrukh Khan set to take a break from acting, to start of as a director and Farhan Akhtar going gaga over Brett's emoting abilities we might well see him in the coming DON movies and this might well add salt, spice and what not to his existing consanguinity with Shahrukh.

So Brett fans might well get to see a lot more of Brett Lee in the coming years and that too in diverse personifications, especially with the most talked about movie in the recent years, Ram Gopal Verma's first brush with a romance, "Kanishkk" (an Indianised version of the Titanic) starring Brett set to release on Republic Day next year.

INDIA FAIL TO QUALIFY FOR 2019 WORLD CUP

Kabul(Afghanistan),21 July , 2019 :: India failed to defeat Afghanistan in the World Cup 2019 qualifier in the Asia -Pacific zone held at the George Bush National Stadium in Kabul after losing a not so closely fought match by 112 runs. In reply to Afghanistan's imposing total of 334/7 in the alloted 50 overs, led by Taufeeq bin Laden's (allegedly grandson of the late Osama Bin Laden) maiden century, the Indian team was allout in the 48th over for 222. Captain Sachin Tendulkar, in his ninth stint as captain managed a painstaking 62 from 128 deliveries with just 3 fours. The Afghanistan team, consisting primarily of players of British and American origin (whose parents were stationed as members of the peace keeping troops during the troubled times at the beginning of the century) outdid the Indians in every department of the game. The Indians were on the backfoot right from ball one during chase as they had no answer to 17yr old debutant Adam D. Pearl's pace and bounce. Adam Pearl is the son of the late journalist Daniel Pearl who had been killed in 2002 and he changed his nationality as a dedication to his late father's courage and bravery.

Coach Sehwag said that he is not worried because he has the backing of selectors, captain and the board and that they had won a close match against Papua New Guinea just 2 yrs ago. Former India captain and now a commentator with NEO Sports Rahul Dravid believes that Sachin should now consider retiring gracefully and let Aryan Khan(son of ShahRukh Khan), the current vice-captain take over the mantle of captaincy.

The Indian cricket board led by president Rahul Gandhi has called for an emergency meeting to discuss future course of action. Former players like Yuvraj Singh, Md Kaif, VVS Laxman and Kumble have been invited. Coach Sehwag and captain Tendulkar will present a report. VVS Laxman today created a new controversy by saying that he expected a written apology from Rahul Gandhi for including him in the category of former players. He said that he has improved his fielding and fitness and wants to play the 2023 WC in Bahrain!! On the other hand former BCCI President Laloo Prasad Yadav has filed a legal notice challenging validity of the elections by virtue of which Rahul Gandhi now holds the post.

In another offbeat incident Brett Lee, current hearthrob of bollywood, has suggested the name of Mahendra Singh Dhoni to play the role of a serial killer in Mahesh Bhatt's latest movie. He himself is presently working on 'Dhoom-7', 'Sarkar-4' ,'Don-4' and 'MunnaiBhai bane Cricketer'.

P.S : Inspired from a forwarded article on the Internet ( fwd by my friend Sibabrat)

A BOOK REVIEW

Disclaimer: This piece is a dedication to DAN BROWN. For all Dan Brown fans, this article is not meant to ridicule his style of writing. I am myself an avid Dan Brown follower. This article was written for the sake of being written.

TITLE: daRAMANUJAN CODE

AUTHOR: DAN BROWN

GENRE: HISTORICAL/MYTHOLOGICAL THRILLER

Dan Brown is at it again with his evergreen hero, Rabindra Lakhia. The book was released last weekend, amidst growing speculations regarding its 'read-me-not' content. It has already led the VHP to carry out demonstrations outside the publishing house charging them with ridiculing Hinduism by publishing material detrimental to the 'pavitra' image of 'Sita Maiya'. The book has been banned in UP and rumours are thick that a coalition partner has threatened the central government of withdrawing support if the ban is not made country wide. Is Dan Brown rewriting the Ramayana?

The story begins with a pair of British mathematicians, claiming to have solved the so-called final problem of legendary Indian mathematician Ramanujan. But the day before they were supposed to make a formal announcement both of them are found murdered. The Scotland Yard is perplexed because nothing seems to have been out of place at the murder site. Even the most likely source of motive, ‘The Mock theta conjecture (MTC)’ seems to be intact on the mathematician’s computers. Their only clue is a piece of mysterious matrimonial ad (probably cut from some Indian newspaper) of some Paras Goyal that was found in the wallet of one of the dead. Investigations reveal the nonexistence of any Paras Goyal or even any newspaper having the same font as that of the ad. The case is closed on account of lack of evidence and the MTC manual and the mysterious ad is made public. Only then it comes to prominence that MTC may not be just what it seems. The mathematicians had encrypted it using some advanced cryptographic software and mathematicians were now having a tough time deciphering it.

Enters the scene, Rabindra Lakhia a mathematician by profession, specializing in cryptography (and the lead guitarist of a lock rock band and a former 'Gladrags’ Mr.India and what not...) who using a certain anagrammed version of the matrimonial ad as a key decrypts the MTC. To his astonishment he finds that MTC concealed a great and at the same time a devastating mythological secret and it might have been the reason of the mathematicians’ death. He reveals his findings on March 14(Pi lovers day) that MTC was not any mathematical theorem but actually the encoded documents of the enigmatic secret society 'Akhand Satya Rakhshak' which was created to conceal a great and at the same time a devastating mythological secret. He then adds on that this organization was headed by the likes of Samrat Asoka, Maharana Pratap, Tansen, Mangal Pandey and Subhash Chandra Bose. The secret would have been forever lost with the sudden disappearance of Bose, had it not been for our hero and his ground-breaking discovery. Just as he was about to wrap up his declamation three people clad in saffron attire fire at Rabindra. Thanks to some stringent security measures Rabindra escapes unhurt. The attackers are arrested and on interrogation are found to be belonging to the VHP. With this startling incident the story shifts scene to India as Rabindra sets to unearth the complete truth. There he is joined by Sufia Alam, the sexy and buxom assistant director of ASI. They find that Tansen, a former head of the enigmatic organization had in his Miyaan Malhar Rag (which he sang to invoke rain) had hidden clues pointing to a great fallacy in Ramayana. They immediately head to Ayodhya for further investigation. In Ayodhya their investigation receives a major jolt when they are attacked by a group of Kashmiri militants. Unfazed, they move ahead and are amazed (as it is by now the hypnotized reader) to find that the Babri Masjid was erected over the Ayodhya shrine to cover up the same mythological secrets that they are looking for.

In at attempt to tie the remaining knots they manage to convince Prabhakaran to let them spend a week in the LTTE occupied region and carry out investigations in the Palk Strait to validate their assumptions. Their investigations also get a go ahead from the Indian Government although at the ‘top Secret’ level as the government is itself aware of the devastating consequences that this expedition might result in. In order to camouflage the investigations conducted over the southern coast the Navy puts out a declaration that extensive security measures (using sea animals and beacons) were being taken up.

In the climax, set in the LTTE occupied region of SriLanka the explosive secret is exposed which could shake the very foundations of Hinduism (and to a fair degree has already succeeded in this regard). Our heroes find that 'Sita Maiya' was actually defiled in her exile at Lanka and that Luv and Kush are actually Ravana's sons. Hanuman came to possess this bitter truth when he spied upon the hideous act from atop a banana tree in Ashok Vaatika (at this point one is made to wonder by the skilled workmanship of this brilliant author, as to how old this tradition of voyeurism is). Hanuman had then established this secret society to pass on the secret to the 'Kalyug' where it was supposed to be revealed by Vishnu's last incarnation, just before he destroys the whole world. Though the book is a rank one page turner, at times you get feel that there are too many loose ends Mr. Brown forgot to tie. The book is replete with historical and mythological inaccuracies and it seems that Dan Brown is more interested in creating fire than letting the candle glow (though we must admit that the fire is by far warmer).

With the book achieving such fame, Ram Gopal Verma has announced his mega 160 crore budget movie (for which major funding is supposed to come in from the Middle East) by the same name. Sources reveal that Indian tennis ace Sania Mirza will be making her onscreen debut as Sufia Alam opposite John Abraham. With the book being an instant best seller there is little doubt about where the taste of the public lies and the critiques predict that innovative and sensational novels like Dan Brown's latest offering are bound to rule the market.